So i smoked today.... It was fun

After i wrote that i started shaking and got really woozy. I had to walk across campus in the rain, but I made it to the truck and decided to go over to the bank to cash the check, get gas and then try and go grocery shopping. I made it to the bank, they wouldn't cash the check... That was frustrating. I walked in the rain again back to the truck and it wouldn't start. That was fun. I tryed over and over and it wouldn't start. I started calling everyone and no one would pick up, not my dad, not julie, not travis... Eh it got too hot in the truck and the windows wouldn't role down and the stupid cars wanted to park next to me so i couldnt keep the door open so i went and stood in the rain. I did this on and off until i got ahold of ant and he came and got me. Im final home. Today is really sucking.

I seriousley feel like shit. I came to school. Woke my ass up, did my hair and makeup for even got all the way to my class for it all the be ruined. Im sweating so much it looks like my hair got wet from the rain. Its freezing outside but i love it beacuse im so hot. The rain feels awesome. The second i step into a class room im drenched with sweat. So i guess im not going to class.

So, Jamaul has a girl hes kinda talking to. I saw a bunch of pics of them holding hands, him hugging her, and him holding his arms around her. I dont kno how to feel about it. When i first saw them i was like Wow... But now im happy. I want him to be happy, I just dont kno if i want to see pictures of their affection.
Well im kinda talking to beau. But i cant tell if he likes me or just wants to be friends with benefits. If so ew. Blah. I dont kno what i want. I just dont feel good. Im sick right now. I want someone to come over and watch movies with me.... Is that too much to ask for.

Today was a good day. Its pretty late and im pretty tired, but it was a good day. I went to school early to talk to my math teacher, but the class was canceled witch was kinda nice. I went up to the computer lab and got rid of all the cutesy picks on my myspace with jamaul in them, i mean i left some with jamaul in them just not as many, and not the kissey ones. But yeah. so then i finished my key word outline for my speech in peggys class and then went to consumer behavor. After school i kicked it with beau for an hr or so and then went home to meet my dad to go to sf. My grandpa looked good, he just had a lot of tubes in him. They took out his gallbladder, part of his stomic and intestines, part of his kidneys and part of his liver as well. Thats a lot! I sure love him and would be really sad if anything happend. We are going back to see him on saturday morning. Travis had prom that night, witch is crazy. Lil travis is a senior.. Its crazy!

Wow, My last post from a few hrs ago... It was true but so Victim. It was my rant. Im happy that i have my family, and thankful for my ability to keep them together.

Ok, I just got back into town yesterday from a crazy Trip! Oh Thursday we drove down to San Louis Obispo then on Sunday we drove up to Chico, and then on Monday Back to Healdsburg. It was Crazy. We will get to that later tho. Last night i got really sick. I had a fever of 102.3f. So yeah, i kinda felt like shit. This morning i had a Math Test. Witch Sucked and then Consumer Behavior class, and after that i wrote a speech, and then went home. I still don't feel good and im dealing with major shit.

I dono if i ever wrote about it in here. Im sure that i have. But i hella feel abandoned by my brother Chris. When he lived her we did stuff all the time with Travis. Like went to the park he took us to ice cream. When my parents would fight he would come an save us. Pick us up and do something to not be around him. He was like my hero. When you were in grade school and you wrote about your hero; i always choose him. and then one day he just couldn't handle my mom. So he moved away. He came around for out b-days and things like that, and then even stopped coming for those. We would see him like once or twice a year. I was really upset about it.

Well a few months ago we just found out that he live around this area, just the next town over. 7 miles away. We started visiting on holidays and now just ever so often, and i love it.

So tonight my mom got hella drunk, my dad gave her money to put gas in her car and she went and spent it all on beer. Then she cooked everyone dinner except for him, and then hid the food from him. He got pissed and blew up. ((She is paranoid skitso)) My brother from Iowa (Michael) and she hung up. He called me freaking out. He was pretty much crying because my mom had been talking to him about crazy shit and he didn't know what she was talking about or what was going on. She made it seem like he hit her. I had to explain everything. So when i went to go get the phone from her so she couldn't call anyone else it had died and she had taken my little brother Travs phone.

She was now on the phone with my other brother Chris. (I only have 3 bros) She was yelling at him, telling him that he was working against her and he needed to call my other brother to straighten him out because he was being a bad person and hurting her and working with the people that she things are against her. (remember she is crazy)

She handed the phone to me and he was freaking out i had to keep saying Chris its me... He told me he dosent even want o pick up out phone calls anymore. That hes tired of this shit. I had to calm him down and remind him that she had no idea what she was talking about and that he just needed to not take it personal.

I pretty much just had to hold everything together. I broke down. I went and told my dad what had happened and it made him mad and he started to get really mad, and then i had to calm him down as well.

I went into my room to have a minute to pull it together and my little brother Travis comes into my room to tell me i "better not" Yell at her beacuse he had friends over in the garage and he didn't want to be embarrassed. I was like you better shut the fuck up because you don't even know what i had to deal with.

I can still hear her yelling on the phone. Im upset that im always the one that it falls upon. Its not fair and i have to live with her. I can to anything here. When she dosent have anyone to talk to on the phone or yell at, she just does it out loud. No matter who is here that dosent want to hear it, if its 2,3,5,6,9 in the morning. I hear it almost constantly, and you cant block it out beacuse she always yells...
I don't sleep anymore.
I Do good in school, but its much more difficult beacuse i cant do my homework, reading, or even rest here. I Do sleep, but get woken up manny times a night. At least 2 but normally its 4. Sometimes its 7, or more.
Its frustrating.

And im tired from this weekend, and i still dont fell good. I still have a lot of reading to do for school that wont get done.
Blah.

So, i havent talked to emilie in probably a month. She is insane. I didnt talk to her for a half of a day and she freaked. Calling me over and over and over again, so i finally picked up my phone and said im eating can i call you later. She freaked and said dont give me attitude... Like wow. That is something my mom would say. So yeah i decided not to talk to her for the rest of the day. The next day she sent me a text bitching me out. I didnt reply. I did call. I didnt say anything. The day after she sent me another one bitching me out. So again i didnt respond this happened over and over again. and i still haven't talked to her.

I also havent talked to jamaul in weekeds. But for some reason we are hainin out right now... Werid.

So im actually early to school today... Its amasing! I kinda like it lol. Emmie came with me today, she is gonna sit in on my classes with me so she can get used to school.. But yeah im in a good mood, and i believe it is mardi gras weekend?

I guess that i used up all the breaks on my car... It was makin a funny noise and my dad looked at it, and i guess that i messed up the thing that my breaks are connected to... Not good. so i dont have my jeep... blah balh

Im not having a good day.

So today i am deciding to make it a great day.
Im pretty tired but i think i will go and relax.
I have nothing to do tomoro,
I just got out of class.
Ill do some homework,
Go home,
Relax,
And then kick it with guy,
Who bought me 2 bottles of champagna,
Ill get some orange juice.
And we will have a good evening drinking momosas.
Woot.

Oh... and my dad totaled his truck beacuse he was drunk...
Blah

so jamaul is not mad at me, but hes a weirdo. I guess last night he left with some people that said they were going to windsor, and ended up falling asleep on the car ride and woke up this morning in santa rosa in some random house. Hes a dumb ass...

Eh... That last post was bad. That was the day after my mom went crazy and choked me at 4 in the morinin after trying to beat my dad in his sleep fucked up yeah... i was pissey
but yeah ive been haining around jamaul and i think its not so good.
I was taling to brian and i dont think i will ever find anyone else untill i stop getting my hopes up with jamaul
but its hard beacuse somehow we always end up together
even if its just the two of us.
I think i might still have my hopes up and i dont want to
we talked and very clearly and openly he said flat out i dont want to be with you
and i dont think that i will again.
He just wants to be friends
But i feel like when we haing out like that its not good for me cus i get my hopes up
and i get that happy feeling that you get when you go go eye over your love
thats why i kno its bad eh
so to the main point of this...
Last night.
Jamaul ended up finding out what i was doing and tagging along.
Well a lot of my friends were there so i didnt pay a lot of attention on jamaul
And i think he got mad
Some really really super cute guy and his cute friend asked my friend julie and i to play pool with them
And we said no
So they kept asking and asking
so we finaly said yes
But julie and i have never really played pool before
and we really really sucked
but they wanted us to play pool
I think that jamaul got mad that i wasent really payin attention to him
He just left and when i asked people if they knew where he went
they said he jumped in a car with a bunch of random people that said they were going to windsor
I kinda feel bad but for some reason i feel good about it.
so do you think i need to say sorry?

Fuck arogant little bitches! like jamauls sister. She keeps on wrighting me fucked up messages on myspace. and it is actually upsetting me.

So i realized that this was stupid...
I wright in my journal to let things go, to blow off stem, and to just get things out. I think that i dont want to put made up shit in here because i dont want it to take away from what is really going on. I use my journal more for myself than anything else and that is that.
I also kinda use it as a time line. I like to look back at my entries to see where i was and what i was thinking at certain points in time.

So yeah i stumbled onto an idea.. kinda silly i know but i never thought to think about writing things in my journal than just what going on in my life right now.
They could be...
What ifs
Silly story
Or just my Imagination...
Haha
So yeah what if my name was jaque and was a secrete spy of somthing...
I dono.
I will think more about this silly story i plan to wright someday.

Oh la la
Hmmm ha la
So yeah Feeling content.
Kinda bored i guess you could say.
Im broke.
I need money.
Hours got cut with my job..
I barley work anymore.
I need another job.
Its hard right now.
Blech.
I cant believe that they just stopped giving out scholarships.
Thats some crap.
I work so hard to get it back and then they say no ones getting it anymore beacuse the bank cant fund it.
I guess its a sign of the times
So yeah im talking to Jamaul and were good
Im a little scared that hes gonna turn around and be like eat it bitch
That would not be to fun.
And as for Chris... Hes playing games with me.
Its like dude we dont even have a relationship.
After new years i did this thing for like a day and a half were i just didnt feel good and did feel like picking up my phone, and i think he took it personal.
I guess that would be his fault then tho huah.
Im being pretty random right now.
Im think of ways to get free money, but i guess that mr berry was right when he said tanstafl. Witch really means that there really aint (in his words) no such thing as a free lunch.
Oh why oh why. I used to be really good a getting jobs, right now. No one wants to hire... Blech blah
So yes what to do i just looked a a bunch of scholarships that i dont apply for and some that i think an essay like that would kill me. I have the most horrible spelling that spell check cant even pic it up.
My written communications teacher told me to give it up, and that i should do somthing else.
My small business teacher told me when i get my business going to just hire someone to do thoes kind of things for me.
I think my dads home.
I need to talk to him about money for books this semester
I signed up for quite a few classes, and i looked up the books im going to need and they are going to come out to about $300.
I dont have that kind of money.
I talked to Brian today.
It was nice.
Jamaul got a pitbull pupy today.
I think its a stupid idea.
I know a lot of people are getting pitbull puppys and they are cute but eh..
They decided to not pay their rent for 2 months just so they could buy a pluthra (i feel dumb i cant even spell the word i was looking for) of christmas presents.
They are so broke, and they have another dog named duce that they just keep him in the garage all the time, and its sad. blech.

I am talking to Brian... Woo...
Hes kinda explaining the was life works it was awesome!
Hes making a train metifore... I like it...

So yeah...
I don't know how it happened but i just set myself back to step one...
Occasionally being able to skip a few steps along the way.
I don't know how i did it but i got myself back in love with Jamaul.
I let him in and somehow let my expectations rise..
Now hes just fucking with my heart im gettin pissed.
No more crying, just frustration and confusion.
I want to find him and take back everything i ever gave him.
I know this sounds fucked up but our whole relationship was me buying him things.
I want my cell phone ( his cell phone)
The shirts i bought him he never work
The shirts he did and does wear
Head phones
I pod
Mugs
Sweaters
i don't really care about the slippers
movies

I don't think i will because that is just a really messed up but im so pissed i can believe it.
He wont pick up his phone....
I think hes dumb because i have a house key muther fucker...